Discernment Counseling | Couples Therapy | Regina Abayev, JD, LMFT
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Discernment Counseling

When you are not sure
what comes next

Discernment counseling is for couples where one or both partners are uncertain about the future of the relationship. The goal is clarity. Each person leaves with a clearer understanding of where they stand and what they want, so that whatever decision gets made is grounded in honesty.

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Discernment counseling Hermosa Beach
What Discernment Counseling Is

A decision made
with full information

Discernment counseling is designed for the moment when the question on the table is whether to stay or go. Each partner may be in a very different place. One may be leaning out while the other is trying to hold things together. Both may be uncertain but for completely different reasons. I meet each person where they are, individually, and build toward a shared understanding of where things stand.

Sessions combine individual time with each partner and joint meetings. Individual sessions allow me to explore where each person stands and help clarify their intentions, desires, and level of commitment. Joint sessions bring both people into a shared conversation from a more grounded place.

Whatever the decision, it should be made with clarity, not in the middle of a crisis.

Who This Is For

"I love my partner but I do not know if I am in love anymore."

"One of us wants to stay and one of us has one foot out the door."

"We keep talking about separating but cannot bring ourselves to actually do it."

"I am staying for the children but I do not know how much longer I can do this."

"Something happened and I do not know if I can get past it."

"I am staying because the financial and logistical reality of leaving feels impossible to navigate right now."

If any of these sounds like where you are, discernment counseling may be the right place to start.

Why Clarity Matters

Decisions made in crisis
rarely hold

Decisions made reactively, in the middle of a crisis, tend not to hold. They get made before the full picture is on the table, before each person has had the chance to look honestly at their own role in what happened, and before the ambivalence has been taken seriously.

Discernment counseling creates a structured space to be honest: about where you are, what you want, and what you are afraid of. The goal is one of three paths: staying and committing to couples therapy, separating, or taking more time before deciding. Getting to any of those requires each person to look honestly at themselves and at the relationship.

Separation is treated as a fully legitimate outcome from the beginning. There is no pressure toward a particular result.

"I came in angry and expecting to be chastised. I was so used to my partner and therapists trying to pull me back in. This was the first time I felt I could be honest about my ambivalence without being judged."

Discernment Counseling Client

How Sessions Are Structured

A brief, focused
process

Discernment counseling follows the model developed by Bill Doherty, adapted here to go deeper into the fears, desires, and individual dynamics driving the uncertainty. Sessions include both individual time with each partner and joint meetings.

01
Understand where each person actually is
Individual sessions give each person space to speak without the other in the room. I get a clear picture of where each partner actually stands: their frustrations, their fears, what they have not been able to say. That is the real starting point.
02
Surface the fears and desires underneath the ambivalence
Ambivalence is two competing sets of needs that have not yet been examined clearly. In individual sessions I help each person surface what they are actually afraid of, what they actually want, and what they have been telling themselves about the relationship that may or may not be accurate.
03
Examine each person's contribution to the dynamic
Each person looks at their own contribution to how the relationship got here. Understanding the future requires understanding the past, including what each person has brought to the dynamic.
04
Understand what change would actually require
If staying is being considered, that path requires a clear-eyed understanding of what would need to be different and whether both people are willing to do that. This step prevents the pattern of repeated recommitment that produces no real change.
05
Arrive at a decision
Couples arrive at one of three paths. Each person has had the space to be honest about where they stand. The decision comes from that, not from pressure or exhaustion.
What I Focus On

Going deeper than
the question itself

Where each person stands at the beginning shapes what I focus on with each of them. Each partner arrives with their own fears, desires, and things they have not yet fully named. Individual sessions are where those get surfaced. Joint sessions are where each person begins to hear the other more clearly.

Sessions are not about communication tools or skills. They are about each person gaining clarity about their own internal experience so that any decision made afterward belongs to them.

Fear of making the wrong decision
The paralysis of this moment is real. Both leaving and staying can feel catastrophic. In individual sessions I help each person understand what is actually driving their fear: loss, guilt, the children, financial reality, identity. A clear decision requires that understanding first.
Unspoken desires for change
Discernment counseling creates space to name what each person has wanted from the relationship that has never been fully said. That honesty becomes part of what both people are working with as they figure out what they want next.
The leaning-out partner's perspective
The partner who is less certain about staying deserves a space where their ambivalence is treated as honest information rather than a problem to solve. That is what individual sessions provide.
The leaning-in partner's reality
The partner who wants to stay has their own individual sessions too. That includes looking honestly at what they have contributed to the dynamic and what staying would actually require of them.
What the children need
When children are involved, the decision carries additional weight. I help parents think through what each path means for their children. That consideration belongs fully in the conversation, alongside everything else.
The Three Paths

Where the process
ends

Discernment counseling ends with a decision. All three outcomes are treated with equal seriousness.

01
Commit to couples therapy
Both partners commit to a structured course of couples therapy. This path requires both people to be willing to look at themselves and make real changes. Coming out of discernment counseling, both people understand what that commitment actually means.
02
Separate
Both partners decide to end the relationship. This is a legitimate outcome and is supported here with the same care as any other. A separation that comes from clarity and honesty is far healthier than one that happens reactively or by default.
03
Take more time
Some couples are not ready to decide at the end of the process. That is honest information and it is respected here. Taking more time is a legitimate choice, provided both people understand what they are doing and why.

"The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. And the path to indifference is paved with things that were never discussed."

Elie Wiesel

You deserve to make this decision from a place of clarity, not exhaustion.

Begin the Process

Clarity is
possible

This practice serves couples in Hermosa Beach, Manhattan Beach, the South Bay, and across California via telehealth.

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Other areas of couples work

Communication and Conflict Lack of Intimacy Physical Intimacy and Desire Betrayal and Infidelity Pre-Marital Counseling High-Conflict Dynamics Co-Parenting Couples Intensives