Weaponizing Couples Therapy: When Seeking Help Becomes a Tool for Control
Couples therapy can be a powerful tool for healing and growth, but unfortunately, it can sometimes be misused. "Weaponizing" couples therapy occurs when one partner uses the therapeutic process to manipulate, control, or blame the other, rather than genuinely seeking to improve the relationship.
How Weaponizing Couples Therapy Looks:
Constant Criticism: Using therapy sessions to relentlessly criticize their partner, focusing on their flaws and shortcomings while minimizing their own responsibility.
Playing the Victim: Presenting themselves as the innocent victim in every situation, deflecting blame and avoiding accountability.
Selective Disclosure: Sharing information out of context or omitting crucial details to paint a distorted picture of the situation.
Threatening Therapy: Using the threat of therapy as a means of control, saying things like, "If you don't change, we're going to therapy," or "I'm only staying in this relationship if you agree to go to therapy."
Misusing Therapeutic Concepts: Throwing around therapeutic terms like "gaslighting" or "narcissism" without understanding their true meaning, often to label and invalidate their partner.
Undermining the Therapist: Resisting the therapist's guidance, questioning their expertise, or attempting to form an alliance with the therapist against their partner.
Why It's Harmful:
Weaponizing couples therapy creates a toxic dynamic that undermines the entire therapeutic process. It can:
Prevent genuine healing: When one partner is focused on control and manipulation, it becomes impossible to address the real issues in the relationship.
Increase resentment and distrust: Feeling manipulated and attacked in therapy can lead to increased resentment and a breakdown of trust.
Damage self-esteem: Being constantly criticized and blamed can erode one's self-esteem and confidence.
Delay or prevent progress: The focus shifts from genuine growth and healing to power struggles and manipulation.
Calling It Out in Session:
As a therapist, I'm trained to recognize and address these dynamics. Here's how I might intervene:
Naming the Pattern: Gently but firmly point out the pattern of blame, criticism, or manipulation. For example, "I'm noticing that much of our time today is focused on [partner's] shortcomings. I'm curious about your role in this dynamic."
Redirecting Focus: Shift the focus from individual blame to the overall relationship patterns. "It seems like we're getting stuck in a cycle of criticism. Let's explore what's happening between the two of you, rather than focusing on who's right or wrong."
Encouraging Empathy: Encourage the weaponizing partner to see things from their partner's perspective. "Can you imagine how it feels to hear these criticisms in this setting?"
Exploring Underlying Needs: Often, weaponizing behavior stems from unmet needs or deeper emotional issues. I might ask, "What's happening for you that's leading you to express yourself in this way?" or "What are you hoping to achieve by focusing on your partner's flaws?"
Holding Both Partners Accountable: While addressing the weaponizing behavior, it's important to hold both partners accountable for their contributions to the relationship dynamic.
Calling It Out at Home:
If you suspect your partner is weaponizing couples therapy, it's important to address it directly. Here are some strategies:
Express your concerns: Communicate your feelings to your partner in a calm and assertive manner. Explain how their behavior is impacting you and the therapeutic process.
Set boundaries: Make it clear that you will not tolerate being manipulated or abused in therapy. Refuse to engage in blaming or criticizing.
Seek individual therapy: Consider seeking individual therapy to gain support and clarity. A therapist can help you understand the dynamics at play and develop strategies for coping.
Re-evaluate the relationship: If your partner is unwilling to change their behavior or engage in genuine self-reflection, you may need to re-evaluate the future of the relationship.
Remember: Couples therapy should be a safe space for both partners to explore their challenges, communicate openly, and work towards healing. If it becomes a tool for control and manipulation, it's essential to address the issue and seek support.
